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Not sure how to feel

I now work at "that fish place" I'm a fish room associate. They sell coral, sponges, sea anemones ,eels, and all the way down to angel fish. It's hard to try to learn everything but it's a lot of fun. I'm actually excited about work I mean if you set aside being nerves. I actually had an interview there for stock but as we walked out I mentioned the fish room was my favorite place. The next day they hired me full time! So yea it was awesome.
I guess now that I've come a bit more to terms with Lukes death I've been able to actually see him in my dreams when he shows up. Every time I had a dream with him in it there was always something there blocking his face. But now I get to see him for a little bit. I still miss him he's still on my mind but I'd rather that then to forget him.
I never get to see Steve much now because I go to work when he just gets home to bed. For instance he goes to bed around 7am I get up for work at 8am. By the time I get home he's getting up for work. So yea this sucks. I'm hoping to talk to the supervisor to get one of the three days off that Steve's off. I've gotten a lot more into Coheed and Cambria now thanks to Luke and Jenny =)
I found out my old neighbor Klepfer is getting sicker. She 87 this November the sweetest old lady you'd meet. I use to go see every week and watch wheel of fortune with her. She lived down the street from me when I use to live in Orlando. I miss her so much. Well I talked to her on my break yesterday and found out she's been sick for a while now and that she has cancer....She said it should shrink but she's been on chemo and radiation for 3 months now...since I moved. I'm saving every dime now no more splurging. Steve told me if she get's worse to go see her for as long as my job will let. Steve's going to drive me down there since he has Wednesday morning to Saturday night off. Then he fly back home. I'm hoping the cancer does go away I love her I always call her my adopted grandmother. She's always been a healthy lady she's had her bad weeks but she still drives and goes shopping. She's amazing unlike my real grandmother who's been very sick for a long time now. I hate it because I cant contact my real grandmother and I don't know how much longer she has. Now my adopted Grandmother is getting sick and I cant be there for either of them...But it seems I've never been able to be near anyone thats left.
Life really gets me down sometimes things start to look up and then bam something smacks me in the face. I finally start to get better I stop crying randomly so much. The heartache becomes easier to handle and then another person I love is suffering. If there is a higher being out there watching, testing us what is it trying to tell me. That I'm not allowed to have anyone to close to me...I'm not sure what it is but it's driving me nuts and I'm sick of putting all this stress on Steve.
I want to call my mother I wish she didnt hate me. I wish they all weren't drunk druggies. I'm home sick I miss Florida this week is definitely one of my bad mood swings...

Diego went to the hospital

So Diego went to the hospital around 1am we thought he was doing better. He stopped puking and he ate a little he was just sleeping. Then out of nowhere he starts howling and pukes so we googled a million hospitals and finally found one. We rushed him over there and of course had no money but they had a credit card you can sign up for so we did and got a credit of 500 dollars. Which wasn't enough because it turned out he swallowed something metal. And it was moving way to slow to be easily removed so he needed surgery. Which of course the surgery was 1700 dollars....I freaked it meant I had to put down my cat before he died because with the credit card and the money I had on me I had 700 dollars....So yea they heard us freaking out and calling steve's parents and they worked out a under the table payment. Basically the owner turned out to be the vet who looked at Diego. He felt bad and made this payment for us. He's not going to be making anything from this surgery. Were basically just paying for the equipment and drugs and instead of Diego staying there for 2 weeks he's coming home right after surgery. We have two cages set up for him. I hope he'll be ok. Heres a pic
you can see a bit of a circle. The first grey spots his heart the beginning of the second grey area is where the circle is which is his new friend the metal demon.


im sorry but i love this

Happy Birthday Lucas

I'm going to light up the fire for you tomorrow Luke. Even if its a day late, I miss you. I hope that you have found happiness, I know I will keep celebrating your arrival on this planet and your quick leave. Until we meet again I miss you and love you! HAPPY 23 BIRTHDAY!


Thanks to [psyoudontfoolme] who made it for all of us, we now have a very beautiful colorbar of Luke. [quabazaa] helped with the saying, because luke had talked to her, telling her he likes to imagine himself as a burning star shooting through the darkness (thats right Jenny?). Which I think works pretty darn well! But i love it and I hope that everyone enjoys it to, don't forget to thank [psyoudontfoolme] for her wonderful work ^-~

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Good news

I'm bored and trying to teach myself how to use Gimp. So I used one of Lukes pictures. Also I asked someone if they could make me a color bar of Luke. Which I so appreciate and can't wait to see and show everyone, hopefully it will put a smile to everyones face. I miss him a lot. And Jenny I got your letter yay!



Lucas Cody Lamar left us on the 26 of November. I meant him around I think 2005. We started talking because he was suppose to come down and meet my friend Arisa. We ended up becoming pretty good friends. I learned a lot from him, One of those things was to just be myself. I wont let myself forget him, I hope I hold on to each and every memory I had of him. I know though when it is my time I have two amazing people waiting on the otherside to greet me and many others.
I wont cry anymore for Luke leaving the way he did. I cried all I can cry for now. I will do what he would want, and remember the good times and the bad. I will keep his story in my heart and when someone comes to me that has been through a lot I will tell him the story of the great LUKE LAMAR. I know he doesnt want anyone to cry, he want us to be happy that he is to continue the cycle of the Zodiac. Although no matter what tears will come, that I also know. I miss him, he was the greatest friend I ever had. I loved him and I guess thats what also hurts. RIP Lucas Cody Lamar and all of your reverie. All that was left was this message

" I died on a Monday morning in late November of 2007. The skies were grey, my favorite color. I listened to some relaxing music while I wrote out this farewell, and made my peace with whatever governing forces there may be in this universe. I understand that there may be a price to pay in taking my own life. But, I am willing to pay the price to learn the absolute truth. At the risk of sounding cliche, I have no regrets in life. I've actually lived longer than I imagined I would. I've loved, been loved, and enjoyed a lot of what life has to offer. I've had friends come and go, and friends that will read this, and will even be sad that I'm gone. And to those of you who fall into that category, I want to thank you for any and all kindness you showed me as a person. I am sorry, truly, for any pain that I have caused any of you. While it would be nice to have you all remember my name in a positive light, it is not important, only the time we had together is. I want you all to know that I love you, so very much, and that if I have any say in it, I will be around to show you the way back home. Those of you who know me well enough will smile when you learn that I went out with a cigarette in my mouth and a smile on my face. Take care, all of you."


RIP Stephanie B Spencer

Last night my friend was plugged into machines keeping her alive since she tried to shoot herself. And they let her go...She will be cremated and everyone that knew her well will miss her. I know I will just hearing the news from her sister last night after work crushed me. I just dont feel right with her not here. But now she will be at peice I guess...But I'll miss her and she will always be in my heart...

RIP Brooke you were a great friend and mom



My friend Booke is in the hospital. They posted this letter in our breakroom at work. Basically saying shes at this hospital clinging to life, she may not make it, oh and we cant see her!!! Now they said it nicely but thats what it all comes down to. My friend might die, from what I have no idea!!!! But I cant see her all I can do is sit her worrying and crying. I'm scared and I hate that I cant be their to see her maybe talk to her. They could have atleast told us whats going on....I called her house since her sister lives their. But their was no answer I'm sure they are at the hospital...I'm going to be heart broken if she dies and I cant even talk to her one last time. Atleast I got to make her smile the other day with the flowers I bought her....I want to know whats going on..I want to help. heh I'm crying again I dont want nothing to happen to my friend..

update Well I talked to someone from work she wont tell me what happened. All I did find out it Brooke did somthing and now shes going to die from it....Shes not going to make it..It hurts to know that I wont ever see her again. I feel so crushed...I dont want her to go...please dont let her...I HATE THIS!!!!!!! WHY COULDNT SHE STILL BE HERE SHE DIDNT DESERVE THIS!! WHERES THIS SO CALLED GOD DOESNT HE KNOW SHE HAD SOME MUCH TO LIVE FOR...SO MANY HOPES..ITS WRONG WRONG DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!